Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
