I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
