Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
