You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We just shotgunned beers for America
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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