my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
