Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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