My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
