The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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