I just saw a hot homeless man
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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