There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
