dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Randomize
