but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
