you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
