I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize