So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
