i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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