Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
