We won't sleep together?
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
