11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize
