why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
