***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
We left the knife in your bed.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
