I look better un-naked...
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
