i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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