I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
