of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
