i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Rumble strips road head = magical
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
