How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
