We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
