I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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