apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
