Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
