this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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