good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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