The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
