Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
