life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
