I think I just saw someone hide a body.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
