That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
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