I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Mom said you looked used
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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