i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
