Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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