I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
