Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
