If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
