i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
