I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
