Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
