i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Randomize
