Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
