I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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