Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
