I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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